Xmas

   

      X mas! A great time not just for those celebrating but even the ones who stand by observing, get  into a joyous frame of mind.   Deepavali, the festival of lights,celebrated by millions noisily bursting fire crackers,exchanging gifts,new clothes,does bring in cheers. The month of Ramadan ,when Muslims all over the world,fast with fervour, break their fast in the evenings and get ready for Eid .With colourful wayside stalls selling various mouth watering delicacies and  people busy shopping for the month end celebrations ,roads wear festive looks .

But Xmas holds a special charm for me. Maybe the time of the year in India, cold weather ,mostly bearable and pleasant, adds to the cheer.Maybe the childhood memories of those cab rides with appa,who took us all to town to see the decorative Xmas lights. Though visibly there  are no special groups of people ,for whom this is a special occasion,there  is gaiety everywhere,it seems  that the whole world  rejoices.It  is not just a day of celebration ,when the Christians of the world welcome this day as the birthday of their Saviour.This is universal. This is a season of celebration.

At first Santa was a fantasy. There was an awe.Then came the "knowledge" that he was not real.Anyway, he was not part of our childhood days. Later ,I wanted my children to know him.And he became a yearly ritual till they realised  that he was a childhood fancy, it was their parents and not Santa bringing them what they wanted.It usually was holiday time and we would create with limited resources, the Nativity scene,year after year,decorated a Christmas tree,hung a star at the main entrance.There was so much enthusiasm-each year we got more inputs,our ideas became wilder.Looking back ,I think I enjoyed this ritual more than the kids.Slowly, we had to give this up for want of facilities(!!).No, we realised that this was not "our"tradition.All of us matured enough to know,that we should be content with seeing decorations of neighbours and at public places.

As days passed by ,even going out became very difficult.To weave through the heavy traffic,to find a parking place,  to walk amidst jostling crowds and then to find a calm, cosy place in a restaurant  to spend the rest of the evening  drowning in the festivities-all became too difficult.We  began preferring staying at home,watching special  TV programmes for Xmas( more movies,mostly repetitive).But in my mind there is happiness.I feel the solemnity around me and I contentedly settle in my surroundings, enjoying the aura of Xmas. 

DAUGHTER in law

    

      I thoroughly enjoy an advertisement featuring a mother in law  and daughter in law talking to each other, acidically but with humour,showing an underlying affection and understanding.I am bored of serials showing the same relationship in a manner that I cannot understand, scheming women, bitterness,jealousy,never ending conflicts,barbed comments against each other.And the serials are popular ! Maybe,I muse,there must be such soured relationships everywhere and people are able to relate to such characters.

I am not someone unique but my daughter in law is my youngest child,so I think.There might have been a thousand tussles but where and when are two human beings ever together without minor misunderstandings?Between a mother and daughter,between sisters,between close friends?So have we had ,we have always come together with greater understanding .This I attribute to the fondness I have for her, my child , bringing so much of happiness to my other child,my son.I remember how wary I was in the beginning, the turmoils in the family at that time, the million worries I had about how successful their marriage was going to be.They had their tug of wars too before settling into a calm,steady relationship ,totally content with each other and having that beautiful baby girl to complete their  union.Seeing them in their contented togetherness ,I feel blessed and thank God for giving me another daughter. All the time.

As I grow older ,I realise more and more that each relationship can be better with a constant desire to make it so.I see around me disappointments,heartbreaks, sadness, loneliness amidst a house filled with apathetic relatives.I remember the days, when I myself went through such trauma , not able to bear indifference though I showered my affection on everyone around me,anyone that mattered. Expecting reciprocation.I now recognise the fact that each individual differs on perceptions on life,what they deem is right attitude towards others and when one moves in with total strangers ,to come to terms with  the other's point of view is challenging. By the time  one stabilises, damage is done.Relationships sour.

I think when I had had my enlightenment on this,my daughter in law walked into my life.I could not see her as anything else but my daughter.My youngest child.We have a long way to go together but the toughest journey, I presume , is over.Yea, I want our relationship to continue as is shown in my favourite advertisement.

Old age

 
    I was a teenager when I read Charles Lamb's essays of Elia. What he wrote about superannuation though on a lighter vein ,did not amuse me but set me thinking.He was talking about men,who do have retirement age,who can still have leisure hours to think about a life totally for themselves.I was then thinking about women of a certain status who cannot even imagine such a luxury.A man who went out and earned for his family ,is always placed on a pedestal as the master of the house.A woman slogging her entire youthful days,equally contributing to the welfare of the family mostly takes a subsidiary position .Society  forgets to give the importance she deserves.

My thinking from those days became different.I realised that as much as my father provided for me,my mother in the background was as important.I understood that in my own life,nothing would be complete if she were not present.She was there every moment ,just for us.So dignified,so thoughtful,she was the instrument moulding the family. Never as indulgent as my father,never displayed her emotions in public especially to me.For 18 long years ,I had thought of this attitude as hard heartedness.I had craved for her affection,a hug,a word of appreciation,which NEVER came.But slowly it dawned on me that her love was shown in a different way-the food that she cooked for me,the way she cared for my health and looks ,even the admonishings on a daily basis on how I should talk or walk.  There was never a display of affection and at that young age I felt that she did not care for me enough.

Later when I moved away after my marriage, coming into a different set up,where everything was different and I felt that I was drowning,I longed for my mother,everyday.Yes,she would have rebuked me ,when I was fumbling directionless,not exactly soothing to the troubled mind but definitely setting me in the correct path.Without that, it took me agonising years to get on the right track in my new life,floundering to get where I wanted to be.Though all around me I saw successful housewives,my role model was the one far away,that gentle woman,who never raised her voice,who never uttered  a single harsh word , who was never given to tantrums or hysterics to get her way, my amma.She was there reigning in my mind and having set me on a road,where  I had to find my identity,she quietly receded to the background.

Moving on in life,becoming a mother myself and raising my children,I deviated from her mode only where I felt she did not give me enough. I showered my love on my kids openly,talked to them a lot,expressed my feelings a lot more.But in all other respects ,she had shown the way,a clear,correct way.So it was easy.She still was in the back stage,giving me cues from time to time.

She was in command till appa passed away.It is painful that she is slipping slowly.Sometimes it is hard to believe that this was the woman holding the reins,controlling all of us till not so long ago.She now is fragile,not able to grasp situations,not interested in things happening around.There are occasional sparks,showing her bright side but she no more  has that spirit to see everything set right.And she knows that she is losing her grip.Yesterday I shared with her the news of my friend Asha winning an essay competition and her subject was her mother in law's 100th birthday celebration.She said to me"If you really love me, you should pray that I must not live that long.I want to go away when you are active and strong."I felt the hard slap of reality.She is wise and she knows the harsh truth.I am not that wise and I am not able to accept this cruel fact of life.Oh God!
.

Changes around me

    Many seasons have passed by , I see  extreme changes in society.The way people talk is different and some words that we used as children have taken totally new meanings and we are not able to use them anymore without being sniggered at. When I try to be proper ,I know that some youngsters feel very amused,as propriety  is now dated, mostly old fashioned. "hey, look at those words !Her accent  is sooo different" But I remember the way we were taught to speak,act in public.I am proud to have been brought up like that. We spoke correctly,acted with decorum in public. Every single advice added to the wealth of our upbringing.I have crossed a very rough, very tough path.But I am happy I did.

I now look around me and find that I have blended into this background quite easily though I cringe at some behaviour, some brash language.This in the name of fashion!!When my correct spelling and grammar on the Net is made fun of,I keep my head high ,for I do easily learn the nuances of latest gadgets,am able to be almost on par with the "modern" folks.I enjoy the benefits that these newest  inventions bring- I can talk to my kids far away,know their daily activities. And the distance keeps our relations fresh ,amicable.I welcome every single modern gadget.They have added value to my life,truly so.

Amidst all this,this old timer is VERY amused to find the relationships as sour or maybe worse than before.The gossip mongering is now done through Whatsapp instead of the phone.No one has the time to sit and chat! The proverbial in-laws remain the unwanted weeds.The next door neighbour still remains someone inferior (about whom we heckle) or superior (we feel jealous).Rivalry amongst  friends , now for possessing more innovative contraptions,is still the cause of many a youngster's agony.Yea, I feel  nothing has changed the human mind.The same pettiness still pervades everyone's minds.Two teenagers still gossip about a third youngster , young women gossip about in laws. Nothing has changed much on that front.

Today,I was pained when a young niece,a very qualified ,modern youngster shared her sadness with me.The same feeling of being neglected,not given importance in the household.So what has changed?The exterior is glossy,inside as dark as was before.The human intellect is growing by leaps and bounds.But mind is filled with  pettiness.Maybe someday,someone will invent ways to infuse goodness in human beings.I may not be there but that would be the day we can claim that we have advanced.

 

The little geniuses

We sit watching TV as usual , we do almost everything according to the times of our favourite programmes- breakfast , lunch and dinner ,with plates in our hands,plonked in the sofa. Only when children are around,remembering the disciplining we have done in the past,we uncomfortably sit in the dining table and to admit truly, food does not taste as good as it does normally.We miss the good serials and the freedom of eating as we please.

At every step we were monitored,we had to walk a certain way,talk a certain way,not  laugh loudly in public.We resented this control but even when elders were not around ,we could not be otherwise,for we had been indoctrinated and we grew up with unshakeable faith ,that what they taught us would take us into a glorious future.It sure did.And gave us the strength to bring up our own youngsters with the same principles.But slowly, very slowly,we could feel a little defiance creeping into the adolescent minds though they did not openly go against the codes of conduct established by  the seniors,who themselves were still obedient to what they were taught.They might have had their own questions but were too submissive to even seek the answers.Their young ones rebelled once in a while and when we thought that they were not too wrong,we did give in.This was rare, very rare.But we started realising that the way we revered our elders was slowly disappearing.There was respect but with that had come in a thousand doubts and following  the command without thinking twice,was no more going to be the order of the day.

Now when we look around,we see sparks of brightness all around us,all the time.To keep pace, we have to sharpen our thinking capabilities too.The rich experiences our lives gave us,are still not adequate to cope up with the deluge of questions of the budding minds.In this process,we are forced to constantly learn,most of the times from them. Life is not easy but interesting every moment Questions are very,very interesting but not always easy to answer.So when we are alone,not having to face the overwhelming intelligence,we can do what we please-hold the plates in our hands, watch a tear jerker movie and be silly,the ultimate in relaxation! 

Kaspar

There was a time when I was dead set against having pets at home.From far,a neighbour's dog was cute and when they described the antics of their pets,I admired their enthusiasm more than the dog's mischiefs.So on that Sunday afternoon,when the kids and the hubby decided to go on a tour of various dog breeders' places,I joined them just to be with them.They also promised that they would only look around,knowing my reluctance to have a four legged monster at home.

Prior to this  had been many occasions ,when neglected neighbourhood dogs found our home a safe haven.I remember a dog rapping at our door in the middle of the night,knowing well that he definitely would be fed well,given a cosy corner to curl in.And Jahangir our block's watchdog,who followed me everywhere I went,stopping only when his boundary ended.There was Seetalakshmi,who waddled into our compound knowing her mid morning snack awaited her.The names were fondly chosen because we wanted "traditional "names-not just Tommy or Jimmy!

Then ,on this lazy Sunday afternoon,I went out not knowing that my life would  turn upside down,all my past resolutions would fly out of the window and that one darling black ball would roll into my life,change my outlook on pets,why,even my entire perspective of life in general.That was our first stop and as we walked into the sparkling house with white marble tiles,little did I anticipate how my life was about to change.After a few minutes of polite conversation,the breeder brought out this black bundle from inside.This was love at first sight!

My next move puzzled my brood.I did not want to go anywhere else,no more options.My pet had chosen me!Even then,I felt squeamish touching the shiny black  toy.Kids totally handled him.And we brought him home.What followed was chaos!He pooped and peed everywhere,I did wonder what was going inside that so much was coming out.He hid himself in the smallest of niches and to locate him at first was fun and then turned exasperating.Ofcourse the kids disappeared shortly,feigning to finish their "projects" and I was left alone to clean up the mess  little Blackie was creating.Thus was spent the first evening and night,by the end of which I had a splitting headache and a huge question mark in my mind -"have I done right by bringing this hooligan inside my home?"But no,I could not bear to think of returning him to the breeder.

The  black ball was the favourite of the area.The speed at which he grew!We pored over books with quaint doggy names-settled for Kaspar which was not in the books.I felt he looked like Casper the friendly ghost!But the spelling had to be unique.Everything centred around him.Everyone doted on him.He commanded attention constantly and we were all too eager to please him.Now I could visibly feel the faithfulness and warmth of this beautiful creature.So handsome,so handsome!He developed tan also and was suitable to go on ramps at dog shows-that is what anyone who saw him said.Not only what we fed him but also the love and attention we gave him ,made him a model, I suppose.Fourteen years of bliss with this delight changed each one of us into better human beings.

He was good and problem free and decided to go the same way he lived.Went for his evening walk,had a small snack  AND THEN after a few hours of agony, he died.When I think about that evening,I choke even now,a decade later.We both sat next to him,could see he was in pain,even after giving him medicines,knew he was slipping but also knew he felt comforted by our presence and sat through the night.Early morning,he was gone.He  gave us a sort of love that no human being,even our own children,gave us.Even through his pain and gasping,his eyes were fixed on his master and we hoped that  he understood the love we had for him ,felt comforted as he was leaving.

Now,I have gone back to my original view " no pets"Why pour your heart's capacity of love and care,knowing that one day,that  wonder  would be snatched away from you?I also can now never think "a dog's life" is thankless.Maybe to be born again as Kaspar is something I would wish.Noble,faithful,selflessly loving.Who would not be willing to be something like that? And to have been loved and cared for like he was.No one, nothing can replace him.Will we,can we think of replacing someone dear to us,another human being? Kaspar ,for us,is irrreplaceable. He lives on in our hearts.

Old is gold

Maybe I have reached an age, when all things old seem gold.Though all we had were very simple,every little piece of plaything was shared.There were not too many toys or books to hold on to.No competition to possess more-the whole neighbourhood was one big home.All of us played together and there was an unwritten code-all of us returned home by dusk.There were no TVs, nobody instructed us to study.But we did settle down with our homework,finished that in a jiffy and maintaining the same postures,shared silly jokes,giggled ,made merry till dinner time.After dinner,we went early to bed,listening to soft music from the huge Radio in one corner of the room.Aah,what days!

Roads wore a deserted look by 7 PM.Most of the 9 to 5 job men would by then have returned home.Children also settled to their day to day routine,  after tiring themselves out running and playing on the roads.Elders went about their chores quietly.Very little traffic on the roads and so the evenings were calm. There were few shops- I remember Chatterji dokan (shop)with all our needs -pencils,erasers sharpeners etc, Lala's shop selling groceries,a bookshop with a grandiose name National Library,the dhobi's shop ever busy.For all other major needs was Lake Market.We were all very contented with these simple outlets,which catered to all our necessities.We did venture a little farther on occasions to Rash Behari Avenue with big shops,Desha priya Park Hawker's corner with its small stalls,fulfilled our desire for "shopping".When I walk up and down malls now,not satisfied the least with the multi various products offered with so much glitter,I remember the thrill the pencils and erasers of  uncle Chatterji's dokan brought  us. The borrowed books at the wayside stall Dakshini,where we deposited a rupee in the morning to take with us four books(!!) ,to stealthily pore over them during the boring classes at college and return them on the way back ,can Kindle hold a candle to that?Many a times Dakshini kaka waved us off without taking that rupee!The poori baaji at the college canteen,the Coke we bought  with students' concession(!!)How we gathered at the lawns of the college,discussed various topics,the laughter and mirth! Film stars and Binaca geetmala were top on our lists.  Nothing can bring all that back.

Times have changed.Everything is available in abundance.People have money to blow.Children are born into an atmosphere of luxury,achieving mastery over electronic products and due to the tremendous challenges they face in life,they are super smart.They cannot be otherwise or else they will be left far behind in the race of life.There are no more  neighbourhood kakas or chachas to protect and pamper them,for they are also running in the race,slightly behind the youngsters because their world was less competitive and so they are now struggling.The golden old timers have been left far behind.They just limp slowly to somehow reach the destination (where is it? how long yet?)But their hearts are filled with gratitude for having been granted a glorious childhood and adolescence,which has now prepared them to trudge along their paths slowly but steadily. 

   Myriad memories,vivid colours of a well spent life.My ultimate pleasure is going through old albums.Yes, that is never done at leisure but always when I do some spring cleaning and stumble upon these treasures.Oh oh, now all else is forgotten and I settle down to browse,remembering sweet incidents,pleasant memories.

There is this young girl,staring self consciously at the camera,a few with friends stiffly posing to preserve this moment for posterity .Most of those old photos were taken on special occasions- last day of school, a cousin's wedding,some rare events,when someone possessed the rare contraption-the camera! Sometimes copies were made and distributed in the group.One's own wedding of course was very very special and there were albums,totally chaotic with the photographer clicking away to fill two albums, most of the photos out of focus,unimaginative and many characters now not remembered.So these are not actually memorabilias. But still held on with pride and occupy precious space in the cabinets,in our hearts.

Cameras became  household objects when the children came.We needed to keep track,needed to remind ourselves  that these monsters were the cherubs of yesterday. I remember the beautiful Kodak because that was the one we could afford.Then came Minolta,later Yashica.Cameras improved,we evolved as photographers!But also the impatience when waiting to finish the film roll,resulting in some very silly shots,all the same could not be thrown because of the cost involved! Filling a few albums,very simple mini ones, with plastic pouches to protect the photos.Yeah,now these albums also became treasures to cherish.Still are. And then the photos became so many even to put inside the mini albums. . Slowly they were put inside plastic bags .When there were too many plastic bags ,they were placed inside cartons.Even today  these are instrumental in throwing one off balance regarding household chores.

This was a beautiful hobby for a long long time.Piles and piles of photos stacked in cartons,to one day open and fill one's mind with nostalgia.Over the years,all got chronologically mixed up.There would be the snap of my little grandchild smiling beautifuly,the next one my son in his school uniform and then my daughter's wedding attire-so on and so forth.Why? Because snaps were compared to "establish" family resemblances, finally when much time had been consumed in this activity,realising other chores were pending , put back every thing in one carton for the time being (?)and then forget about this for a long time.And repeat the same months later.

Now my four year old grand daughter can pose for the camera beautifully,dozens of photos clicked every day,not much is thought about preserving these and if they want to,they do it perfectly "on the net".Browsing done in an organised way because everything is labeled and sorted out.Times have changed for the better but not before taking away the sweet disorderliness which was so much more fun!

  


We had just moved from an idyllic place to Bangalore,each of us missing our former sprawling house,the greenery,the calm,relaxed life style.Yet it was good for the children,we consoled ourselves,for now they could go to prestigious schools,life in a city would give them a broader perspective on life and though reluctantly,we all settled slowly in our new environment.This was more than three decades ago.

I remember how difficult it was for the children to adapt to their new life,the comparitive lack of freedom to roam about,the very different school curriculum and I would spend hours explaining how all these would eventually  help to shape them better equipped to face the challenges of the world.I myself was not convinced.I missed all that I had enjoyed till then.But slowly, very slowly ,Bangalore got to me.I started looking around.There was so much to fall in love with this place too inspite of extreme differences in our routine life.There was so much of simplicity in the local people,the city clean and traffic very disciplined.Very soon I realised that all of us were going to be very happy here.

We weighed pros and cons of various places and Bangalore won hands down in our choice of a permanent home.We would not be far away from near ones, yet could have our individuality and yes,the atmosphere was congenial for the children to grow up with the right exposure to other cultures.I still remember my father telling  me years ago,growing up in Kolkata,"Be very proud of your roots.But never become cliquish.Be friendly with everyone."I tried to instil this in my children,I did not have to do much.They grew up having friends of many cultures.Till today,we all have friends everywhere,who add value to our lives.We happily bought our home and settled in Bangalore to live "happily ever after."Could we?
 We  are  greatly disturbed that in times of crises,we are still outsiders.Looked down upon as people who grabbed a piece of earth in "their" land.We proudly proclaim that we are Bangaloreans but pained when we are not accepted by "natives".All because some people who have somehow become powerful,not always because of their merit,fan animosity between two very good neighbours.During stressful times,they become successful.We all stay indoors,fearing the worst.Constantly wondering "are we in an enemy country that is not rightfully ours?"

I know that we have made a right decision.No regrets.We will never be  ready to exchange our Bangalore to any other heavenly place in this world .There are elements out there trying to create doubts.But they are few,they are everywhere.We are fortunate that we are happy for the major part of our lives.A few days of horror cannot take away the contentment that we have been wise to choose a good home in our lovely country,most of the time surrounded by simple,sweet people.I still dream of the golden days before cheap politics set in,dividing good friends.Will we ever be able to have those sort of  days ever again?Or have we lost some precious values to self centred politicians,who in the name of governing,split people for their own gains?
                                  

                                                             DREAM



  I walk on and on.I do not know why I am going.Or where I am going I walk on because my mind is commanding me to. My heart is throbbing,I feel restless.Something is heavy in my mind .But impulsively I walk on.

Suddenly a dark,thick forest rises in the distance,welcoming me with its numerous trees and shrubs.Though it is somewhat frightening,I walk on and soon am amidst this dark forest.The trees stand waving their branches,as if to welcome me.Amongst their shadows,the sun occasionally shows off its inquisition by peeping through the thick leaves.And when there is a strong gust of wind ,it sees me in full and gives a radiant smile.

Even this does not cheer me and I walk on.Then I come to a meadow.A small creek runs gurgling over small rocks,happily whistling on its way.I am still melancholic,realise I am all alone in this wild forest.A shiver runs through my spine.I must go back.I try to hasten back.

But now my memory fails me-from where did I come from?Where to return now? I try to run but my legs are weak and I can only limp.I sweat,I cry and

I wake up to realise this is only a dream.
                                                                   -----------------------------


I was a teenager when I wrote this.The diary's pages are crumbling.I have salvaged what I could ,in the manner I thought was right.

         
 My "blogs" of a different kind


On contemplating serious matters such as the existence of God, I feel perplexed.I somehow donot understand the inveterate practices so reverently followed by almost all sections of people,be they great or small. When I hear grandiloquent speeches on the glories of God,I never fully appreciate them,for I feel they lack depth and sincerity,leave me wondering "Are these great men who give such ornate orations ,adorned   with  high sounding phrases,as intellectual as they pose to be?Can they give extemporaneous  speeches,on the Lord they praise and worship in a heartfelt, simple manner, which will touch the simple people they address to,understand better?"

My attitude towards religion is different and those who glorify age old ,pompous religious practices may scorn at my views.I am not an apostate nor am I a theist the way people define that word.I believe in a supreme power that  reigns over us,some call God and I call it destiny.I am not able to comprehend the concept of confining this power in a small space and declare that is ITS domain.Maybe someday,these advocates of idolatry will be able to understand what I say.
               
                                                                  -----------------------

Yeah ,this was a very young girl's view to be different and daring!Yet she could  not be much different because of the pressures of the society she lived in.Without compromising much,yet bowing down to dear and near ones' sentiments,she has successfully held on to certain of her values.

Above was an entry in a diary I had kept in my late teens.It is amazing that my views have remained the same though I might have been pliable on occasions lest I hurt the dear and near ones around me.Ah,yes,I would now use much simpler words,less rigid in my views!
.

Blogging

 I set out on this seemingly wonderful journey of "Blogging",with imaginations of penning down regularly all my experiences,establishing worthy contacts on the way,spending some interesting hours in a hobby which would keep me fruitfully occupied.Yes,all these are true indeed but why is that I don't bring myself to do this more often?

Starting from my teenage years,I have kept diaries- never recording my day to day mundane activities but more as a vent to my emotions and in the absence of a close,dear friend in whom I could pour out my innermost thoughts,my diary served this void,it became my soulmate.Pages and pages of a silly girl's silly thoughts do not deserve to be treasured even by people who dote on her and alas! some masterpieces were lost,some torn up and thrown into wastepaper bins by the author herself! Some which escaped this unholy treatment,survived years in attics,in some cartons,dusty &worn out probably because of some important landmark event,which made me hesitate a bit to shred them and found their way into some forgotten corner.But when opened years later still brought some happiness recollecting events of a bygone era.

Then came the computers,the NET & transformed our lives.Some of us did not understand the nittygritties of this electronic age.Were taught again and again by our youngsters, only to get totally muddled ,much to the consternation of the young teachers,who were aghast with such ignorance-why are people so thorough in their fractions and decimals,not able to grasp minor concepts?Yea,slowly I did learn,now atleast to blog.All the nonsense  that I feel  odd to share with someone,the things that I am not sure that anyone will be willing to listen to,I can now put down in a blog.But are they really unseen?Like my old diaries? There maybe a few who snigger at such trivia .But I don't care,I can't see them, right?!