Balderdash

   So many days,so many emotions,so many encounters,so many experiences!Just when you think that you are mature enough to stay stolid,you are thrown off gear,not knowing what to say or do or even think in a given situation.People walk in ,pass remarks,the atmosphere not conducive for thoughtless acts or gestures.You think that adults can conduct themselves well without guidance,they can be subtle and solemn during an event when there has been a tragedy and for those who have been near and dear to the departed soul carry on so that there is decorum.But for one who observes from a third person's angle,certain behaviour is loathesome.

There are people who wail and weep,there are those with euologies,the "religious"hues-all so meaningless in this heavy grief laden moments for the ones who have known and cared for the one who has now left behind his dear ones with only his memories to hold on to.Yes,some believe all these rites and rituals take the one who has gone from this world directly into the land of the Gods.And that his path into this "Promised land"will be smooth.Is there a heaven or hell?Are all sins committed by one knowingly and unknowingly be forgiven by the All knowing omnipotent One ,just because some ignorant ones just chant without knowing the even the meaning of what comes out of their mouths without any emotion?

After going through these excruciatingly painful hours,I retire to a room, just sit alone, reminicising years spent with the one who now will never return either to entertain or trouble,pray for his soul to rest in peace.Then I feel at peace with myself.

My father, thou art in heaven

I remember the piggy back rides I had ,the innumerable stories concocted just for me,the rare but wonderful picnics,the cab rides to show me the X'mas lights,the small ,very small admonishings to correct some of my follies,the gentle guidances when I was muddled in my thoughts and did not know where to turn to-you walked with me a very long distance.I knew you would be there when I turned around for help,you would pick me up if I fell.

There were a million falls.Each time I got up because I knew you were there to steer me clear of troubles and set my path right.In all this,I forgot the intervening years,I forgot that both of us had aged and the roles were reversing and that you needed my support more and more.I did it too with a satisfaction that I was now able to give back something to you though I know I can never repay what you have given me

And then you were gone!The days I tried to nurse you back into a semblance of your former self,how frail you had become,not understanding your situation,not able to do the things you enjoyed doing,not even remotely the brilliant person you always were.I then understood the futility of all our hopes and dreams,all are mirages.All relationships are on shaky grounds and that the best also end quite abruptly.

Appa,I know you have had a purposeful life.You gave your best to everyone who crossed your path.You added value to my life.I donot know if we will ever meet again but I desperately hope we do.Bye,bye,appa!

Home Manager

    It was my first trip abroad,I was alone,nervously clutching at my belongings ,waiting at the crowded airport,looking for comfort with someone friendly.I spotted her ,not bothered about the surroundings,exuding an air of confident arrogance,immersed in a book. Ok,she was going to be of some support,I thought. Atleast  she would not care much to talk but I could find the company that I needed.

She gave a cursory glance when I found a seat next to hers and------she smiled!First impressions can be so misleading!All my tensions seemed to disappear at the warmth of that smile.Yes,as I had gauged right,she was holding a very important position at work and that was a business trip.I humbly introduced myself and said"I'm just a house wife".She immediately answered"why to you say 'just a house wife'?You are holding a position more important than mine. A 24 hour thankless job,with no  holidays,Finance,Marketing,Administration all rolled into one person's role.Please donot underestimate your rank in the family or in the society.And stop calling yourself 'just a housewife'.You are a Home maker,more so a Home Manager"she said,giving me that smile again,reassuring me in a way none of my close,dear ones ever had done prior to that.We boarded the same flight-she went to the Business class,I to Economy but my complexes by now had vanished.I now had a confidence and pride about myself and the journey was not the lonely, fearsome one that I had imagined.

We grew not realising the inputs of our mothers,there was respect,sometimes fear too but I do not think we realised their worth,the priceless contribution that their sacrifices gave us.Our children continue the trend -fathers with the jobs they hold and the experiences they gain outside overshadow the silent,ever toiling mothers at home.More and more women have started being very successful in their careers too.But the back bone of the family still is the "house wife"putting in all her efforts just so that her husband and children gain respect in the society.

A friend's departure

    He went away a fortnight ago-no handshake,no farewell.He was there one minute and the next one he was gone.There are a thousand words yet to be spoken,a hundred questions left to be asked but he has gone away to a place so far away where he cannot hear us.He had gone shopping,the dear wife awaiting him for lunch.He did not even call her to say "Bye".

We did not know him for long.There have been so many who went away without telling us but this man touched our hearts more than all those who went away before him.Maybe because we are now at an age when we are able to understand the total uncertainty of life,the pathos of it all.We met a couple of days prior to this.We had doubts about how to greet each other.He said that it was morning.I thought that it was already afternoon.Finally we settled for "good noon"!He was ever joyful,breezy,always could joke about things.Most of all ,he cherished his wife,protected her against the adversities of life.But now,who is going to guide her?

Yes,life has its cruel moments.We experience the pain only when it touches someone close.Thousands died in the floods in Kashmir,A plane vanished  without trace with all passengers, a few months ago.Yes, there were moments of sadness thinking about all those people.But even then the prayers were for people dear to us never to face such tragedies.But the inevitable is going to happen maybe today or a few years hence.For "Pale death,with impartial step,knocks at the poor man's cottage and the palaces of kings" -Horace  

My travels

   " Not travelling is like having a book and not opening its pages."-I saw this on a  TV channel I watch avidly. Jyo, my friend and I used to talk a lot about traveling. Inspite of vast differences in our backgrounds,we both shared dreams of traversing the globe,not to popular destinations but to places which were then not much sought after and somewhat wild.Those were not days when there were exotic holiday package offers and people did not or could not go when and where they wanted.But both of us still hoped to do things the hard way someday.

She could translate her dreams into reality.She did travel to places which people shunned usually,in difficult circumstances,not really bogged down by adverse opinions.She traveled to Syria,Israel,Egypt.Though at present going to these places do not seem improbable,those days it was and she did it undauntedly. Later she continued traveling to some desirable destinations too but was ever driven by an adventurous enthusiasm.I envied her then and now I know that I can never ever do the things she did.Maybe all along ,I never had the push.Never could afford to have that spirit.

Oh,yes,there has been my share of traveling too.Never planned any of  those trips nor would have willingly chosen those places.I was thrown by fate to visit those places,never out of choice but because of circumstances. Amidst those travels were  some carefully planned trips to places,which I chose with an eye on the budget.And there were places that I could not visit ,even when they were nearby,more so because of affordability.I did see some great cities like Washington,New York,Paris ,I have seen famous monuments like The statue of Liberty,Washington memorial and nearer home the Taj Mahal. I have seen the Niagara falls. But I want to see  the Ganga again,this time only to sit and muse on her banks,I want to see the Himalayas,I want to see some fabulous beaches here in India-all these may never happen.

I cannot complain too much.There are some country frogs totally contented with watching TV at home & visiting nearby temples .I have  my treasure house of experiences from my few travels that I have enjoyed whether I planned them or not.I have had a small book and I have thoroughly enjoyed going through its pages.

My journey.

  Oh, what an incredible journey!From the early days spent with so much of abandon ,then being uprooted & transplanted in totally new surroundings,without achieving much that I had aspired for but always with an optimism that I will reach my destination without much ado.This has been a long journey where I met many significant and not so important ,faceless co passengers,many got down midway,went away to other destinations.Some are continuing with me but I know that they will not travel on the same route for long.They all must leave someday.

As I resume after these exits and entries,I know that I will reach the Terminus  someday and then I will have to get down.Who will be with me then?That maybe an absolutely alien place-it maybe a very bright,warm ,happy place.Or maybe it is a dark,gloomy place and I maybe lonely and scared.Or maybe I will meet some who got down long back and have reached there by a different road.And then we will reunite and be happy again.

No one really knows what happens at the end of our journey.But all these years have prepared me for the destination.It is an inevitable end and with no one to explain or interpret ,I fervently hope to reach my Terminus with my Guiding Force besides me and a few of my companions to give me strength.
   

Ageing process

  My bones groan and grumble nowadays-I am not all that old yet, I am only "middle aged'!Last year I was walking past a' pandal' gaping at some colourful lights with youthful curiosity and "thud" I fell tripping over an unseen obstacle.All I could think then was'Oh God!Why me?Please,please let me get up and walk now or who will make tomorrow's coffee?"For the husband then was nursing a fractured bone at home.Got up and walked then ,limped slowly back home.

For a couple of days I walked with a limp and then became alright.So I thought.After a few months I developed a shooting pain .I am freakishly paranoid about pain killers and there were a thousand queries-1.am I getting old 2.is this Arthritis or 3.rheumatism or 4.or 5  .etc etc.To quell these endless  worries I confided in a few of my friends and heeding to their advice zipped to a  Know all, Cure all doctor..After a cursory glance,he jotted down something-just prescribing about 27 tests.I told myself that it was a nice number.It started with the early morning visit with my sleepy driver in toe,to the Diagnostic Centre and then for some tests.After spending the better part of the day there,I later went to the Doctor,armed with the thesis compiled on me by the Lab technicians.Much to the chagrin of the doctor ,the tests were "almost" normal!"Reduce your weight, lady" he growled "or don't even come and see me again".Nevertheless he put me on to an Orthopedist.

He pulled and pushed my legs,looked cross eyed at my veins and nerves and what not and because he could find nothing wrong,he said that an MRI test had to be taken to prove something was wrong, may be my spinal cord!Meanwhile he advised me to go to a Physiotherapist.

That day, I RAN back home!I still occasionally limp and groan and moan,sometimes my sweet maid massages my feet ,my bedroom reeks of all sorts of ointments that I apply and my aches ease a little.
Moral of the story:Your bones creak and croak as you grow old!

My Guiding Force

Do I believe in God? Yes, I do.There is a silent prayer as I take each step.The daily routine of my own version of worship must have been inculcated in me as a discipline and that is done impassively every single day.Yet I know that a "Force" is guiding me all the time.Is it a He or a She?All I know is that faceless, formless energy makes Its presence felt in inexplicable ways.I yearn to know more but the deeper I delve,the more It deludes me.

I talk to It, I ask many questions and the answers come in strange ways,from everywhere-two people talking as they walk past me,something in a book that I am reading,somebody talking on a TV show.The answers calm me.An indefinable peace settles in.There are no more nagging worries gnawing deep inside.

I do not believe in looking back.Nor can I say I do not plan for the future.I have fallen down many a times.But there has always been a gentle hand that has pulled me up, as a mother would her crying child.Sometimes there have been rude slaps most unexpectedly.Then ,I know that I must reform myself in some way.Others may not acknowledge or appreciate what I possess but I know that I am blessed as my Guiding Force always walks with me. 

Oh,Calcutta!

  Once upon a time long,long ago there lived a simple little girl-pigtails and pink frocks,lots of frolicking , a little of studies,carefree,happy.,shaped by reproaches and molly coddling in equal measures.Oh,life was fun!

Cant forget those days spent in Calcutta,which now seem to belong to a previous birth,for that was an era now forgotten.The sultry weather,the pervading smells of fish frying in a neighbour's kitchen,the noisy crowds,the trams and buses plying ever with people pouring out of them.No other place can compare to this chaos,no other place as disorganised.Yet no other place holds that sort of charm for me ,as it did so many years ago.

Life took me to many other places,exposing me to diverse people and surroundings but a little of that indisciplined ,boisterous background has stayed with me.I can laugh at myself as much as I laugh at others.I can see and feel what others see and feel.I can be bold without being offensive.I can be spiritual without being orthodox.I can be proud of my roots without being cliquish.Oh,Calcutta,my Calcutta!