Now &Then

  I almost feel jealous on seeing the multi tasking youngsters of today.I admire their abilities to handle any situation so effortlessly,seemingly unaffected by adversities.They look cool,they dress well,undaunted by the challenges they face everyday.There is no gender bias-the wife equally,if not more,qualified as her husband,holding prestigious jobs,driving their own vehicles to work,sharing household chores with her husband,Oh,to me all this is so romantic,out of a fantasy.I cannot forget the days when I took driving lessons from ,who else? my hubby,who got too jittery letting me drive his new (second hand)car,I got too offended by his remarks and stares, that I gave up my desire to drive my "own " vehicle.Could not look cool either ,with  the daily chores seemingly unending and my two little ones driving me up the wall most of the time,

I belong to a generation when the fathers went to 9 to 5 jobs,mothers slogged in the kitchens and looked after the children.There were a few who tried to break this convention but they were exceptions.I wanted to do something different but did not want to break any convention,so ended up a mess.Not chic and sophisticated enough nor bow down to age old norms.Hence my jealousy at the youngsters-how I wish I had more favourable circumstances,how I wish I had done this? how I wish I had done that?

I belonged to a generation when children either walked to school or went by bus,rat race not known yet,returned home to frolic and then do a little home work ,a calm restful,delightful dinner with parents and reading a book at night.Yes,this was the time we all looked forward to.Parents made the decisions for us-higher studies,marriage.We totally trusted them to make the right choices,for they had many more fruitful years behind them.And then our lives moved on like a passenger train.No regrets till we saw these youngsters.Now I feel jealous of them for being so independent ,their free will,their confidence.

Mine was a generation when parents put in their best years toiling, to buy that piece of furniture,the second hand car, a roof over  their heads. Their dreams sometimes turned nightmares when expenditure exceeded income.Youth was spent running after mirages.No time for romance,no time for fun,no time for leisurely holidays.Today's youth start their life earning what we could not even dream of ,all major expenditure well planned out,not so much dreaming but taking each step with caution and acumen.I did not,could not do that.And I am jealous of them for being so wise.

Yet I will not exchange the experiences that I have had for all the gold in this world.Going to school was fun,just running around and playing cricket with friends on the road was happiness,spending the evening listening to Binaca Geet mala was thrilling,the slow pace of life that allowed us to enjoy things around us,gave us a wisdom that no book could have given ,.I moved from that age ,through to this,from a single ,huge Radio in one corner of the house to present day Television ,when I constantly flip through channels and entertain myself .Ofcourse I read a book at night.My life has seen both ends,I have been very happy then and I not only enjoy life now but admire my youngsters and feel happy for them.(sometimes I do feel jealous too!!)

These are some of my favourite things!

  Yes,I'd like to sing like Julie Andrews- "girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes" or "snow flakes that fly on my nose and eyelashes"but alas!no such fanciful experiences for me.I dont get to see girls in bright dresses nor have I been lucky to see snow flakes!I do have certain things that touch my heart on a daily basis,starts my day on a serene note ,carries me through the day bringing cheer ,lifting up sagging spirits to push me on to continue what I do.

The day starts on a simple note -I like the silence,the stillness of surroundings,when I sit in the balcony immersing myself in the nothingness.The sky is a dark grey,down in the streets lights flicker and it is chilly.Covering myself in a quilt,sitting alone is one of my most favourite "activity" to begin the day.Then, pink stripes appear in the sky auguring the arrival of our life giver shortly.Birds start chirping,flip flap around getting ready for their morning,few people are busy, some walkers have started their morning routine.And then I hear the muezzin's call ,loud and clear from the nearby mosque ,summoning the faithful for prayers.This is how the day begins for me,my most favourite time of the day.And then ofcourse,the steaming ,foaming cup of coffee ,that brings briskness to plunge into the days' chores.

Pure,classical music over the radio or on TV can do wonders too ,acts like a stimulant.I love my own learning sessions with my dear teacher and friend,the hour or so spent so purposefully, at the end of which I feel rejuvenated.The prayers are said ritualistically,temples are visited regularly.But the musicians who sing soulfully are the ones who take me nearer to the bliss, divinity supposedly brings.On a day,when the chores have piled up,the house a mess and I donot know where to begin ,listening to music or better still ,singing full throatedly uplifts my spirits and I am ready for the day.

All this does not necessarily mean I am lofty in my likings and care only about spiritual aspects of life.not at all- I like old Hindi film songs, Mohammed Rafi and Asha Bhonsle,Shah Rukh Khan films,some TV serials that I watch regularly,women who dress and carry themselves beautifully,little childrens' chatter,yes, girls who walk past in their pretty dresses,my own little ones' tinkling laughter,all these add colour to my life.

But above all is a good book with which I can recline without a care in the world, be it  James Michener or Han Suyin or Khaled Hosseini.They take me to different worlds,very different from mine,plunging me into a totally different mood,nomore bothered about my own mundane worries or ailments,transforming me into a different person now only concerned about the protagonists' course of life,for the short time that I can settle down with that book.That time,that interlude of peace that takes me to a different plane altogether,is my most favourite hobby.

My maid,my saviour!

  I have been very amused in the past,that when women meet, the most favourite topic seemed to be their respective maids!How unbearable it was to bow down to the atrocious demands,how they played truant often.For me,those days,they were an additional support to cope up with the exacting,exerting household chores.Nothing more, nothing less. They were there most of the time sharing my burden,they were also not there when I needed them desperately.I never felt that they were entitled to precious time of discussion with dear ones.

Alas,gone are those days of self confidence and efficiency.Now,some chores that I did effortlesslessly are mind boggling.Those were days when guests poured in unannounced mostly and things were handled with ease.That was the way of life.Now,when the phone bell rings, there is a nervous fear-who is going to barge in?Will "she" be on time to give me support?The home which was my pride,ever spic and span,now turns a disaster zone when "she" has gone on casual leave.Yoga and meditation cannot give me the peace that her arrival does.And doesn't "she" know that!?  "She"now reigns supreme in our household!

The morning bell heralding her arrival everyday gives me more vigour than the morning cuppa does.All and sundry take susidiary positions compared to her.Her choices and conveniences are always given precedence.Oh no!"she" is no more a topic of "trifles"."SHE"is the person I wait for eagerly everyday and when she walks in my heart fills with relief and happiness for the day!

Self Respect

The earliest that I remember are the words of advice from my father"bend till your back breaks"!Yes,I tried following it wherever necessary though people who were very close to me,with whom I felt that I could take liberties would not have had occasions to have known  this docile side of mine.I tried to hold my head high when events bogged me down.I did not let others see when my heart cried miserably.I gave my shoulders for others to cry upon but failed to share my innermost insecurities with anyone.

As years have rolled on,six decades of an existence where I have no one to turn to,I now feel the loneliness, the terrible burden that I have carried all by myself are now too cumbersome to carry on my own.Is it worth all that trouble of having been too proud to show the world that I had my share of woes,my weaknesses?Many harsh remarks were thrown,heartless,thoughtless attitudes tried to drown me in deep seas of depression.Yet I managed to float.I put up with harshness but tried to be understanding.Did I get appreciation?Alas,no,even the closest dear ones do not seem even to acknowledge that I did it all for them.I was "strong"so that their weaknessses could  go undetected wherever and whenever possible.I tried to correct situations hopelessly gone wrong for them ,bore the brunt of their misdeeds and failures.Trusting in the One above,I carved out what I thought was best for them.Yet today,they seem immensely proud of their individual achievements,yes,they are all achievers,basking in the glory of their "self made" destinies.

Nothing is lost.The will is still strong and undaunted by insincerities,irreverence and apathy.The prayers are still to reach my destination ,as I have been all these years-honest,righteous and proud.Will I be?