Bird in hand

     Viewing my life from the grand stand , I m a bit awed- the tremendous transformation from the silly  girl in pigtails,ever happy, carefree,over confident.Growing up in a big joint family, with grandmother,uncles and aunt,not forgetting the parents,who constantly disciplined me,ever reprimanding  me for the way I was not rather than appreciating me for what I was.Yea,should not this have made me docile?Instead it made me strong willed,not open defiance but knowing that I was in for a sermonising from someone, I did what "I" thought was right!And I was not wrong ever!!

Through my adolescent years , basking in the warmth of lovely friendships,I remained contented and happy and understood the fact of life, that unless one believed in concepts with conviction, one's life will not move forward smoothly.This summarises my early life,not much to complain about but definitely not something every young girl would wish for. Reading my own diary of those days -"why do all girls of my age always dream of a Prince Charming?Who would come and wake them up from their slumber and lead them into a dream world?I am happy now,have the freedom to be what I want to be,do what pleases me.I can only dread the fact that life with an unknown angel,may not be a dream but a nightmare.Things will happen the way it will.Ke sera sera.Whatever will be,will be.I will wait for that without dreaming and face reality as and when it comes",I feel amazed at my own wisdom at 18 years! Wah girl!And waited for each step of my life to appear before me and I took that step warily,with a pragmatism beyond my years.

For a person observing from afar,I might have seemed vague or even pessimistic, I was not.I did not dream.I did not scheme.Dreamers end up disappointed.Schemers lose their today,ever planning for the future.I let things happen to me,for I believed then  and a deep faith now ,that there is a Force around me monitoring and leading me in my every step,every action.Many things went out of control,there were failures,yes, there were disappointments.Undauntedly,I pursued my own interests.There were hardly any to encourage what I did,give me laurels when I succeeded.There were many to criticise my decisions and pooh poohing my achievements.But each day, I took time to sit down and go over my activities and pat myself for the teenie weenie bit of  good deed, that I could perform that day.On a lousy day,I said to myself "it could have been worse".On a good day,when some total stranger said something nice to me though it was not going to make any impact on my life,I rejoiced.

More and more,with each passing year, I have realised that NO ONE is really totally contented or happy in this wide world of ours.I have had great moments,which have given me euphoria and I cannot be bogged down because others have not bothered about that.This is MY life and I can create my own happiness.And I have-there maybe a thousand things out there I could not get but what I have is no less substantial ."A bird in hand is worth two in the bush". I will be happy and satisfied with what I have- my thoughts,my desires and my achievements.

Xmas

   

      X mas! A great time not just for those celebrating but even the ones who stand by observing, get  into a joyous frame of mind.   Deepavali, the festival of lights,celebrated by millions noisily bursting fire crackers,exchanging gifts,new clothes,does bring in cheers. The month of Ramadan ,when Muslims all over the world,fast with fervour, break their fast in the evenings and get ready for Eid .With colourful wayside stalls selling various mouth watering delicacies and  people busy shopping for the month end celebrations ,roads wear festive looks .

But Xmas holds a special charm for me. Maybe the time of the year in India, cold weather ,mostly bearable and pleasant, adds to the cheer.Maybe the childhood memories of those cab rides with appa,who took us all to town to see the decorative Xmas lights. Though visibly there  are no special groups of people ,for whom this is a special occasion,there  is gaiety everywhere,it seems  that the whole world  rejoices.It  is not just a day of celebration ,when the Christians of the world welcome this day as the birthday of their Saviour.This is universal. This is a season of celebration.

At first Santa was a fantasy. There was an awe.Then came the "knowledge" that he was not real.Anyway, he was not part of our childhood days. Later ,I wanted my children to know him.And he became a yearly ritual till they realised  that he was a childhood fancy, it was their parents and not Santa bringing them what they wanted.It usually was holiday time and we would create with limited resources, the Nativity scene,year after year,decorated a Christmas tree,hung a star at the main entrance.There was so much enthusiasm-each year we got more inputs,our ideas became wilder.Looking back ,I think I enjoyed this ritual more than the kids.Slowly, we had to give this up for want of facilities(!!).No, we realised that this was not "our"tradition.All of us matured enough to know,that we should be content with seeing decorations of neighbours and at public places.

As days passed by ,even going out became very difficult.To weave through the heavy traffic,to find a parking place,  to walk amidst jostling crowds and then to find a calm, cosy place in a restaurant  to spend the rest of the evening  drowning in the festivities-all became too difficult.We  began preferring staying at home,watching special  TV programmes for Xmas( more movies,mostly repetitive).But in my mind there is happiness.I feel the solemnity around me and I contentedly settle in my surroundings, enjoying the aura of Xmas. 

DAUGHTER in law

    

      I thoroughly enjoy an advertisement featuring a mother in law  and daughter in law talking to each other, acidically but with humour,showing an underlying affection and understanding.I am bored of serials showing the same relationship in a manner that I cannot understand, scheming women, bitterness,jealousy,never ending conflicts,barbed comments against each other.And the serials are popular ! Maybe,I muse,there must be such soured relationships everywhere and people are able to relate to such characters.

I am not someone unique but my daughter in law is my youngest child,so I think.There might have been a thousand tussles but where and when are two human beings ever together without minor misunderstandings?Between a mother and daughter,between sisters,between close friends?So have we had ,we have always come together with greater understanding .This I attribute to the fondness I have for her, my child , bringing so much of happiness to my other child,my son.I remember how wary I was in the beginning, the turmoils in the family at that time, the million worries I had about how successful their marriage was going to be.They had their tug of wars too before settling into a calm,steady relationship ,totally content with each other and having that beautiful baby girl to complete their  union.Seeing them in their contented togetherness ,I feel blessed and thank God for giving me another daughter. All the time.

As I grow older ,I realise more and more that each relationship can be better with a constant desire to make it so.I see around me disappointments,heartbreaks, sadness, loneliness amidst a house filled with apathetic relatives.I remember the days, when I myself went through such trauma , not able to bear indifference though I showered my affection on everyone around me,anyone that mattered. Expecting reciprocation.I now recognise the fact that each individual differs on perceptions on life,what they deem is right attitude towards others and when one moves in with total strangers ,to come to terms with  the other's point of view is challenging. By the time  one stabilises, damage is done.Relationships sour.

I think when I had had my enlightenment on this,my daughter in law walked into my life.I could not see her as anything else but my daughter.My youngest child.We have a long way to go together but the toughest journey, I presume , is over.Yea, I want our relationship to continue as is shown in my favourite advertisement.

Old age

 
    I was a teenager when I read Charles Lamb's essays of Elia. What he wrote about superannuation though on a lighter vein ,did not amuse me but set me thinking.He was talking about men,who do have retirement age,who can still have leisure hours to think about a life totally for themselves.I was then thinking about women of a certain status who cannot even imagine such a luxury.A man who went out and earned for his family ,is always placed on a pedestal as the master of the house.A woman slogging her entire youthful days,equally contributing to the welfare of the family mostly takes a subsidiary position .Society  forgets to give the importance she deserves.

My thinking from those days became different.I realised that as much as my father provided for me,my mother in the background was as important.I understood that in my own life,nothing would be complete if she were not present.She was there every moment ,just for us.So dignified,so thoughtful,she was the instrument moulding the family. Never as indulgent as my father,never displayed her emotions in public especially to me.For 18 long years ,I had thought of this attitude as hard heartedness.I had craved for her affection,a hug,a word of appreciation,which NEVER came.But slowly it dawned on me that her love was shown in a different way-the food that she cooked for me,the way she cared for my health and looks ,even the admonishings on a daily basis on how I should talk or walk.  There was never a display of affection and at that young age I felt that she did not care for me enough.

Later when I moved away after my marriage, coming into a different set up,where everything was different and I felt that I was drowning,I longed for my mother,everyday.Yes,she would have rebuked me ,when I was fumbling directionless,not exactly soothing to the troubled mind but definitely setting me in the correct path.Without that, it took me agonising years to get on the right track in my new life,floundering to get where I wanted to be.Though all around me I saw successful housewives,my role model wasĺ the one far away,that gentle woman,who never raised her voice,who never uttered  a single harsh word , who was never given to tantrums or hysterics to get her way, my amma.She was there reigning in my mind and having set me on a road,where  I had to find my identity,she quietly receded to the background.

Moving on in life,becoming a mother myself and raising my children,I deviated from her mode only where I felt she did not give me enough. I showered my love on my kids openly,talked to them a lot,expressed my feelings a lot more.But in all other respects ,she had shown the way,a clear,correct way.So it was easy.She still was in the back stage,giving me cues from time to time.

She was in command till appa passed away.It is painful that she is slipping slowly.Sometimes it is hard to believe that this was the woman holding the reins,controlling all of us till not so long ago.She now is fragile,not able to grasp situations,not interested in things happening around.There are occasional sparks,showing her bright side but she no more  has that spirit to see everything set right.And she knows that she is losing her grip.Yesterday I shared with her the news of my friend Asha winning an essay competition and her subject was her mother in law's 100th birthday celebration.She said to me"If you really love me, you should pray that I must not live that long.I want to go away when you are active and strong."I felt the hard slap of reality.She is wise and she knows the harsh truth.I am not that wise and I am not able to accept this cruel fact of life.Oh God!
.

Changes around me

    Many seasons have passed by , I see  extreme changes in society.The way people talk is different and some words that we used as children have taken totally new meanings and we are not able to use them anymore without being sniggered at. When I try to be proper ,I know that some youngsters feel very amused,as propriety  is now dated, mostly old fashioned. "hey, look at those words !Her accent  is sooo different" But I remember the way we were taught to speak,act in public.I am proud to have been brought up like that. We spoke correctly,acted with decorum in public. Every single advice added to the wealth of our upbringing.I have crossed a very rough, very tough path.But I am happy I did.

I now look around me and find that I have blended into this background quite easily though I cringe at some behaviour, some brash language.This in the name of fashion!!When my correct spelling and grammar on the Net is made fun of,I keep my head high ,for I do easily learn the nuances of latest gadgets,am able to be almost on par with the "modern" folks.I enjoy the benefits that these newest  inventions bring- I can talk to my kids far away,know their daily activities. And the distance keeps our relations fresh ,amicable.I welcome every single modern gadget.They have added value to my life,truly so.

Amidst all this,this old timer is VERY amused to find the relationships as sour or maybe worse than before.The gossip mongering is now done through Whatsapp instead of the phone.No one has the time to sit and chat! The proverbial in-laws remain the unwanted weeds.The next door neighbour still remains someone inferior (about whom we heckle) or superior (we feel jealous).Rivalry amongst  friends , now for possessing more innovative contraptions,is still the cause of many a youngster's agony.Yea, I feel  nothing has changed the human mind.The same pettiness still pervades everyone's minds.Two teenagers still gossip about a third youngster , young women gossip about in laws. Nothing has changed much on that front.

Today,I was pained when a young niece,a very qualified ,modern youngster shared her sadness with me.The same feeling of being neglected,not given importance in the household.So what has changed?The exterior is glossy,inside as dark as was before.The human intellect is growing by leaps and bounds.But mind is filled with  pettiness.Maybe someday,someone will invent ways to infuse goodness in human beings.I may not be there but that would be the day we can claim that we have advanced.

 

The little geniuses

We sit watching TV as usual , we do almost everything according to the times of our favourite programmes- breakfast , lunch and dinner ,with plates in our hands,plonked in the sofa. Only when children are around,remembering the disciplining we have done in the past,we uncomfortably sit in the dining table and to admit truly, food does not taste as good as it does normally.We miss the good serials and the freedom of eating as we please.

At every step we were monitored,we had to walk a certain way,talk a certain way,not  laugh loudly in public.We resented this control but even when elders were not around ,we could not be otherwise,for we had been indoctrinated and we grew up with unshakeable faith ,that what they taught us would take us into a glorious future.It sure did.And gave us the strength to bring up our own youngsters with the same principles.But slowly, very slowly,we could feel a little defiance creeping into the adolescent minds though they did not openly go against the codes of conduct established by  the seniors,who themselves were still obedient to what they were taught.They might have had their own questions but were too submissive to even seek the answers.Their young ones rebelled once in a while and when we thought that they were not too wrong,we did give in.This was rare, very rare.But we started realising that the way we revered our elders was slowly disappearing.There was respect but with that had come in a thousand doubts and following  the command without thinking twice,was no more going to be the order of the day.

Now when we look around,we see sparks of brightness all around us,all the time.To keep pace, we have to sharpen our thinking capabilities too.The rich experiences our lives gave us,are still not adequate to cope up with the deluge of questions of the budding minds.In this process,we are forced to constantly learn,most of the times from them. Life is not easy but interesting every moment Questions are very,very interesting but not always easy to answer.So when we are alone,not having to face the overwhelming intelligence,we can do what we please-hold the plates in our hands, watch a tear jerker movie and be silly,the ultimate in relaxation! 

Kaspar

There was a time when I was dead set against having pets at home.From far,a neighbour's dog was cute and when they described the antics of their pets,I admired their enthusiasm more than the dog's mischiefs.So on that Sunday afternoon,when the kids and the hubby decided to go on a tour of various dog breeders' places,I joined them just to be with them.They also promised that they would only look around,knowing my reluctance to have a four legged monster at home.

Prior to this  had been many occasions ,when neglected neighbourhood dogs found our home a safe haven.I remember a dog rapping at our door in the middle of the night,knowing well that he definitely would be fed well,given a cosy corner to curl in.And Jahangir our block's watchdog,who followed me everywhere I went,stopping only when his boundary ended.There was Seetalakshmi,who waddled into our compound knowing her mid morning snack awaited her.The names were fondly chosen because we wanted "traditional "names-not just Tommy or Jimmy!

Then ,on this lazy Sunday afternoon,I went out not knowing that my life would  turn upside down,all my past resolutions would fly out of the window and that one darling black ball would roll into my life,change my outlook on pets,why,even my entire perspective of life in general.That was our first stop and as we walked into the sparkling house with white marble tiles,little did I anticipate how my life was about to change.After a few minutes of polite conversation,the breeder brought out this black bundle from inside.This was love at first sight!

My next move puzzled my brood.I did not want to go anywhere else,no more options.My pet had chosen me!Even then,I felt squeamish touching the shiny black  toy.Kids totally handled him.And we brought him home.What followed was chaos!He pooped and peed everywhere,I did wonder what was going inside that so much was coming out.He hid himself in the smallest of niches and to locate him at first was fun and then turned exasperating.Ofcourse the kids disappeared shortly,feigning to finish their "projects" and I was left alone to clean up the mess  little Blackie was creating.Thus was spent the first evening and night,by the end of which I had a splitting headache and a huge question mark in my mind -"have I done right by bringing this hooligan inside my home?"But no,I could not bear to think of returning him to the breeder.

The  black ball was the favourite of the area.The speed at which he grew!We pored over books with quaint doggy names-settled for Kaspar which was not in the books.I felt he looked like Casper the friendly ghost!But the spelling had to be unique.Everything centred around him.Everyone doted on him.He commanded attention constantly and we were all too eager to please him.Now I could visibly feel the faithfulness and warmth of this beautiful creature.So handsome,so handsome!He developed tan also and was suitable to go on ramps at dog shows-that is what anyone who saw him said.Not only what we fed him but also the love and attention we gave him ,made him a model, I suppose.Fourteen years of bliss with this delight changed each one of us into better human beings.

He was good and problem free and decided to go the same way he lived.Went for his evening walk,had a small snack  AND THEN after a few hours of agony, he died.When I think about that evening,I choke even now,a decade later.We both sat next to him,could see he was in pain,even after giving him medicines,knew he was slipping but also knew he felt comforted by our presence and sat through the night.Early morning,he was gone.He  gave us a sort of love that no human being,even our own children,gave us.Even through his pain and gasping,his eyes were fixed on his master and we hoped that  he understood the love we had for him ,felt comforted as he was leaving.

Now,I have gone back to my original view " no pets"Why pour your heart's capacity of love and care,knowing that one day,that  wonder  would be snatched away from you?I also can now never think "a dog's life" is thankless.Maybe to be born again as Kaspar is something I would wish.Noble,faithful,selflessly loving.Who would not be willing to be something like that? And to have been loved and cared for like he was.No one, nothing can replace him.Will we,can we think of replacing someone dear to us,another human being? Kaspar ,for us,is irrreplaceable. He lives on in our hearts.