Attitudes

I have been very amused by attitudes of various people surrounding me.Still  am though now I know that   I am also  one of those who can be easily misunderstood (really?!!)   as having  an attitude.

The dictionary definition of Attitude  - position or posture of the body appropriate to or expressive  of an action or emotion..Which means we all do have an attitude towards everything happening around us, towards all people we interact with. But is now synonymous with having "airs" about  things,being snooty.

Oh! the different attitudes I come across on a daily basis. "We drive a Benz ( implying yours is inferior) I have OCD .I cannot bear to see a thing out of place.( three maids slogging to maintain the household when madam chats on the phone.) I have an allergy for anything synthetic. I can only wear pure silks or cotton." Yes,I'd love it too though I really cannot afford to have allergies! I also observe that all these attitudes come when there is affluence. I have never seen people who keep an immaculate household in an one bed room tenement, boasting of their OCD though they have the same rights as the ones who do.

And there are the "boss"s wives.I remember one of my friends, who herself was a boss"s wife, commenting "We have a Managing Director but no Mrs.Managing Director"!  I was specifically requested to entertain my " boss's" wife, play some " games" with her at the club  and lose by a few points always! Oh NO, I could not do it.So remained  a weed in her presence.Airs, airs,she made it clear that I was unwanted. But there could have been a general  gosssip that I had an  attitude ! I heard that  some gossiped that I was friendly with only fair skinned people because of my friendship with an English woman who felt comfortable with me because of the ease with which I moved with her .She would kneel on the floor  to talk to my little daughter. She insisted that she would sit on the floor and eat on a banana leaf  during a family function.  She particularly liked when my kids called her "aunty".But my Indian "boss"s wife never let me feel comfortable enough to let my children call her "aunty"

And the modern timers -boys and girls .Putting on airs about their "self made" status .Forgetting  or not bothering to acknowledge the sacrifices their middle class parents had to make, to bring them up without any complex that they are not on par with their peers. Yes, the affluence that the present generation has ,their parents could not dream of. There are no airs now, about driving fancy cars,not really because that is a way of life .My nephew once told me "We all drive Lexuses & BMWs. But when no one had cars,  mama drove a Fiat and I used to brag about it to my friends in school"Everything was hard earned,we had to slowly build up resources to achieve our dream projects.And through those struggles,children were brought up ,giving them all the necessary equipment to provide them the necessities and luxuries later in life .Many youngsters do not understand the hardships their elders faced.To repay loans,mortgage,save for the daughter's marriage,for the son's education, their own basic needs .They remember all that their elders could not give-fancy gadgets, heavy pocket money,grand holidays.I remember a cousin telling me "I want to give my daughter the best.When we went to movies our parents thought too much about buying us even pop corn.I'll take her to a posh restaurant  after movies" I could then only remember my uncle doing two jobs,leaving at 6 AM to return at 11 PM daily, carrying lunch  and always eating cold dinner.Just so that his kids could eat well,dress well,get educated. Did  my cousin not remember?Or now too high up in life( where uncle placed him) to have no regard for what his father did for him?  Now when they own a posh apartment,drive around in the cars of their choice,go abroad for holidays,the struggles of their parents to give them what they got,is totally forgotten.Attitude towards parents- what do you know? we are self made. This I think is the worst,unforgivable attitude.

I have my attitudes.I do not envy those who have more.What is more ?No one can take away the contentment I have had in my life.I walk with my head high about the way I have conducted myself,  always fulfilled my duties to  the best possible  capacity .When one or two out there  put on airs about their superior status,  I  am not really convinced.My life with all the ups and downs ,has been mine only.Today ,I am what I am because of all the people I came across in my journey so far.My life has been fruitful because of the experiences .I have been shaped by love,jealousy,apathy,kindness, sadness, care.All sorts of emotions have made me understand other people better.So I am snooty.I am superior in my outlook  on  life. .I do have an ATTITUDE!

SUMMER OF '62

                           



A raw innocence, a happiness on seeing new things,however mundane they were,an excitement when I met hitherto unknown kith and kin-these were the trademark experiences of the summer holidays.From the bustle of city life,where we were ever rushed to do any chore,here was a change.No one had to coax us to wake up , to go about our activities or constantly nag to eat at the proper time or reprimand us for something not done properly.Yes,this was heaven- a remote picturesque village ,with everybody going about one's  routine in a relaxed manner.There were no constraints and seemingly all of us were carefree and roamed about fluttering like butterflies.

This must also have been an awakening for me.Though ours was an age of comparative ease than the children of today,we still had competition,we still had to move up in life.Here, during that holiday  everything felt different. We got up on our own, to the chirping of birds , feeling refreshed by the smell of Patti"s  aromatic coffee,queuing up for that  delightful drink, much unlike the daily humdrum of gulping down whatever Amma gave without as much as tasting what went inside. Then we wandered wildly,playing some games like carom,word  building,just chat or sing film songs and the best entertainment was listening to All India Radio, not feeling a tinge of boredom.My two girl cousins,from another part of the country,were my constant companions.I cannot imagine myself doing  all  that again. My brood?Will they be able to even understand what I am talking about?

I saw the warmth of relationships- mother and daughter,sisters,sisters in law,cousins,nieces,all bound by a very strong tie of love and affection.So many women sharing the burden of caring for the innumerable children.We, on our part,were ever on time, hungry to gobble up the absolutely divine food given to us. And then disappear to pursue harmless entertainment till the next meal beckoned us!There were no fancy equipment but the simple  things of those simple times,the ambience,the companions-these left an indelible mark in my young mind.

The most important impression was the relationships of the elders.They created in my mind a desire to be like them, loving, giving , adjusting and adapting.When I grew up, I understood that to be kind and affectionate to all, is something very demanding and at times a challenge.I admire those strong women.I was a child then but resolved to follow their footsteps in future.Their  way of handling all of us, instilled in me a virtue that saw goodness in all children, making me a fairly good mother,very fair and kind Teacher and an indulgent,adoring grandmother.All that happened  because of the seeds my elders sowed inside me, so many years ago,in the summer of '62.

Bird in hand

     Viewing my life from the grand stand , I m a bit awed- the tremendous transformation from the silly  girl in pigtails,ever happy, carefree,over confident.Growing up in a big joint family, with grandmother,uncles and aunt,not forgetting the parents,who constantly disciplined me,ever reprimanding  me for the way I was not rather than appreciating me for what I was.Yea,should not this have made me docile?Instead it made me strong willed,not open defiance but knowing that I was in for a sermonising from someone, I did what "I" thought was right!And I was not wrong ever!!

Through my adolescent years , basking in the warmth of lovely friendships,I remained contented and happy and understood the fact of life, that unless one believed in concepts with conviction, one's life will not move forward smoothly.This summarises my early life,not much to complain about but definitely not something every young girl would wish for. Reading my own diary of those days -"why do all girls of my age always dream of a Prince Charming?Who would come and wake them up from their slumber and lead them into a dream world?I am happy now,have the freedom to be what I want to be,do what pleases me.I can only dread the fact that life with an unknown angel,may not be a dream but a nightmare.Things will happen the way it will.Ke sera sera.Whatever will be,will be.I will wait for that without dreaming and face reality as and when it comes",I feel amazed at my own wisdom at 18 years! Wah girl!And waited for each step of my life to appear before me and I took that step warily,with a pragmatism beyond my years.

For a person observing from afar,I might have seemed vague or even pessimistic, I was not.I did not dream.I did not scheme.Dreamers end up disappointed.Schemers lose their today,ever planning for the future.I let things happen to me,for I believed then  and a deep faith now ,that there is a Force around me monitoring and leading me in my every step,every action.Many things went out of control,there were failures,yes, there were disappointments.Undauntedly,I pursued my own interests.There were hardly any to encourage what I did,give me laurels when I succeeded.There were many to criticise my decisions and pooh poohing my achievements.But each day, I took time to sit down and go over my activities and pat myself for the teenie weenie bit of  good deed, that I could perform that day.On a lousy day,I said to myself "it could have been worse".On a good day,when some total stranger said something nice to me though it was not going to make any impact on my life,I rejoiced.

More and more,with each passing year, I have realised that NO ONE is really totally contented or happy in this wide world of ours.I have had great moments,which have given me euphoria and I cannot be bogged down because others have not bothered about that.This is MY life and I can create my own happiness.And I have-there maybe a thousand things out there I could not get but what I have is no less substantial ."A bird in hand is worth two in the bush". I will be happy and satisfied with what I have- my thoughts,my desires and my achievements.

Xmas

   

      X mas! A great time not just for those celebrating but even the ones who stand by observing, get  into a joyous frame of mind.   Deepavali, the festival of lights,celebrated by millions noisily bursting fire crackers,exchanging gifts,new clothes,does bring in cheers. The month of Ramadan ,when Muslims all over the world,fast with fervour, break their fast in the evenings and get ready for Eid .With colourful wayside stalls selling various mouth watering delicacies and  people busy shopping for the month end celebrations ,roads wear festive looks .

But Xmas holds a special charm for me. Maybe the time of the year in India, cold weather ,mostly bearable and pleasant, adds to the cheer.Maybe the childhood memories of those cab rides with appa,who took us all to town to see the decorative Xmas lights. Though visibly there  are no special groups of people ,for whom this is a special occasion,there  is gaiety everywhere,it seems  that the whole world  rejoices.It  is not just a day of celebration ,when the Christians of the world welcome this day as the birthday of their Saviour.This is universal. This is a season of celebration.

At first Santa was a fantasy. There was an awe.Then came the "knowledge" that he was not real.Anyway, he was not part of our childhood days. Later ,I wanted my children to know him.And he became a yearly ritual till they realised  that he was a childhood fancy, it was their parents and not Santa bringing them what they wanted.It usually was holiday time and we would create with limited resources, the Nativity scene,year after year,decorated a Christmas tree,hung a star at the main entrance.There was so much enthusiasm-each year we got more inputs,our ideas became wilder.Looking back ,I think I enjoyed this ritual more than the kids.Slowly, we had to give this up for want of facilities(!!).No, we realised that this was not "our"tradition.All of us matured enough to know,that we should be content with seeing decorations of neighbours and at public places.

As days passed by ,even going out became very difficult.To weave through the heavy traffic,to find a parking place,  to walk amidst jostling crowds and then to find a calm, cosy place in a restaurant  to spend the rest of the evening  drowning in the festivities-all became too difficult.We  began preferring staying at home,watching special  TV programmes for Xmas( more movies,mostly repetitive).But in my mind there is happiness.I feel the solemnity around me and I contentedly settle in my surroundings, enjoying the aura of Xmas. 

DAUGHTER in law

    

      I thoroughly enjoy an advertisement featuring a mother in law  and daughter in law talking to each other, acidically but with humour,showing an underlying affection and understanding.I am bored of serials showing the same relationship in a manner that I cannot understand, scheming women, bitterness,jealousy,never ending conflicts,barbed comments against each other.And the serials are popular ! Maybe,I muse,there must be such soured relationships everywhere and people are able to relate to such characters.

I am not someone unique but my daughter in law is my youngest child,so I think.There might have been a thousand tussles but where and when are two human beings ever together without minor misunderstandings?Between a mother and daughter,between sisters,between close friends?So have we had ,we have always come together with greater understanding .This I attribute to the fondness I have for her, my child , bringing so much of happiness to my other child,my son.I remember how wary I was in the beginning, the turmoils in the family at that time, the million worries I had about how successful their marriage was going to be.They had their tug of wars too before settling into a calm,steady relationship ,totally content with each other and having that beautiful baby girl to complete their  union.Seeing them in their contented togetherness ,I feel blessed and thank God for giving me another daughter. All the time.

As I grow older ,I realise more and more that each relationship can be better with a constant desire to make it so.I see around me disappointments,heartbreaks, sadness, loneliness amidst a house filled with apathetic relatives.I remember the days, when I myself went through such trauma , not able to bear indifference though I showered my affection on everyone around me,anyone that mattered. Expecting reciprocation.I now recognise the fact that each individual differs on perceptions on life,what they deem is right attitude towards others and when one moves in with total strangers ,to come to terms with  the other's point of view is challenging. By the time  one stabilises, damage is done.Relationships sour.

I think when I had had my enlightenment on this,my daughter in law walked into my life.I could not see her as anything else but my daughter.My youngest child.We have a long way to go together but the toughest journey, I presume , is over.Yea, I want our relationship to continue as is shown in my favourite advertisement.

Old age

 
    I was a teenager when I read Charles Lamb's essays of Elia. What he wrote about superannuation though on a lighter vein ,did not amuse me but set me thinking.He was talking about men,who do have retirement age,who can still have leisure hours to think about a life totally for themselves.I was then thinking about women of a certain status who cannot even imagine such a luxury.A man who went out and earned for his family ,is always placed on a pedestal as the master of the house.A woman slogging her entire youthful days,equally contributing to the welfare of the family mostly takes a subsidiary position .Society  forgets to give the importance she deserves.

My thinking from those days became different.I realised that as much as my father provided for me,my mother in the background was as important.I understood that in my own life,nothing would be complete if she were not present.She was there every moment ,just for us.So dignified,so thoughtful,she was the instrument moulding the family. Never as indulgent as my father,never displayed her emotions in public especially to me.For 18 long years ,I had thought of this attitude as hard heartedness.I had craved for her affection,a hug,a word of appreciation,which NEVER came.But slowly it dawned on me that her love was shown in a different way-the food that she cooked for me,the way she cared for my health and looks ,even the admonishings on a daily basis on how I should talk or walk.  There was never a display of affection and at that young age I felt that she did not care for me enough.

Later when I moved away after my marriage, coming into a different set up,where everything was different and I felt that I was drowning,I longed for my mother,everyday.Yes,she would have rebuked me ,when I was fumbling directionless,not exactly soothing to the troubled mind but definitely setting me in the correct path.Without that, it took me agonising years to get on the right track in my new life,floundering to get where I wanted to be.Though all around me I saw successful housewives,my role model wasĺ the one far away,that gentle woman,who never raised her voice,who never uttered  a single harsh word , who was never given to tantrums or hysterics to get her way, my amma.She was there reigning in my mind and having set me on a road,where  I had to find my identity,she quietly receded to the background.

Moving on in life,becoming a mother myself and raising my children,I deviated from her mode only where I felt she did not give me enough. I showered my love on my kids openly,talked to them a lot,expressed my feelings a lot more.But in all other respects ,she had shown the way,a clear,correct way.So it was easy.She still was in the back stage,giving me cues from time to time.

She was in command till appa passed away.It is painful that she is slipping slowly.Sometimes it is hard to believe that this was the woman holding the reins,controlling all of us till not so long ago.She now is fragile,not able to grasp situations,not interested in things happening around.There are occasional sparks,showing her bright side but she no more  has that spirit to see everything set right.And she knows that she is losing her grip.Yesterday I shared with her the news of my friend Asha winning an essay competition and her subject was her mother in law's 100th birthday celebration.She said to me"If you really love me, you should pray that I must not live that long.I want to go away when you are active and strong."I felt the hard slap of reality.She is wise and she knows the harsh truth.I am not that wise and I am not able to accept this cruel fact of life.Oh God!
.

Changes around me

    Many seasons have passed by , I see  extreme changes in society.The way people talk is different and some words that we used as children have taken totally new meanings and we are not able to use them anymore without being sniggered at. When I try to be proper ,I know that some youngsters feel very amused,as propriety  is now dated, mostly old fashioned. "hey, look at those words !Her accent  is sooo different" But I remember the way we were taught to speak,act in public.I am proud to have been brought up like that. We spoke correctly,acted with decorum in public. Every single advice added to the wealth of our upbringing.I have crossed a very rough, very tough path.But I am happy I did.

I now look around me and find that I have blended into this background quite easily though I cringe at some behaviour, some brash language.This in the name of fashion!!When my correct spelling and grammar on the Net is made fun of,I keep my head high ,for I do easily learn the nuances of latest gadgets,am able to be almost on par with the "modern" folks.I enjoy the benefits that these newest  inventions bring- I can talk to my kids far away,know their daily activities. And the distance keeps our relations fresh ,amicable.I welcome every single modern gadget.They have added value to my life,truly so.

Amidst all this,this old timer is VERY amused to find the relationships as sour or maybe worse than before.The gossip mongering is now done through Whatsapp instead of the phone.No one has the time to sit and chat! The proverbial in-laws remain the unwanted weeds.The next door neighbour still remains someone inferior (about whom we heckle) or superior (we feel jealous).Rivalry amongst  friends , now for possessing more innovative contraptions,is still the cause of many a youngster's agony.Yea, I feel  nothing has changed the human mind.The same pettiness still pervades everyone's minds.Two teenagers still gossip about a third youngster , young women gossip about in laws. Nothing has changed much on that front.

Today,I was pained when a young niece,a very qualified ,modern youngster shared her sadness with me.The same feeling of being neglected,not given importance in the household.So what has changed?The exterior is glossy,inside as dark as was before.The human intellect is growing by leaps and bounds.But mind is filled with  pettiness.Maybe someday,someone will invent ways to infuse goodness in human beings.I may not be there but that would be the day we can claim that we have advanced.